One thing I love about breakthroughs in therapy is that memories that are quite random will pop up in the forefront of your consciousness and demand to be dealt with!  I find my self analyzing things that for years I've just taken for granted because the memories are shoved in my face.  It's almost like finding out you're pregnant after years of contraceptive use.  "Well, shit, now I have to handle this situation."

So, memory flooding........the past week has been a heavy flow time for this.......It's so very saddening.

I grieve for so much......

• my childhood that didn't really exist because of the extreme amount of psychological stress I was under.

• not having a mother.

• a relationship with my father that was compromised because of the extraordinary amount of deceit on the part of my mother.

• the relationship I was told I had with my grandmother that wasn't exactly true.

• the estrangement from family because my mother purposefully kept me from them.

• I mainly grieve for the little girl and the adolescent that felt so alone and unhappy and felt that she controlled her mother's happiness and was failing miserably at that job.

I'm pissed off about so much........

• having to do all the housework (which is in no way an exaggeration) since as early as I can remember while my mother napped or read a book or watched TV.

• being trained to doubt myself and everyone else in the whole wide world.

• family members who MUST HAVE seen what was going on---who HAD to see that my mother was deranged, and DID NOTHING!!!!  

Conversely, I am very grateful for so much, too.......

• my grandmothers who allowed me to stay with them periodically so that I could escape.

• my step-mother, who came into my life during a very dark and dismal time and helped me with girlie things that my mother was not going to provide for me.  

• my roommate in college who had a similar family experience and knew how to listen and help.

• my boyfriend who became my husband who put up with the craziness to be with me.

What can I do?   Unfortunately, my mother is now dealing with dementia, so talking about any of this with her will do no good.  The people who could have helped me process this are now gone.  Just like being a little kid with a great deal of adult responsibility, I am dealing with this myself.